You win some, you lose some....Part One.

Careful. The following blog is littered with various Yiddish terms and phrases, because of the fact that the english language kind of failss to represent how incredible this blog is. Sometimes one language isn't enough.

This blog follows a lovely little Saturday that was to be filled with a pot-luck birthday party and a nice night out on the town. Well, the adventures and things we encounted throughout the 24 hours is something well worth blogging about.

PART ONE: THE SHNOOK.

Preface:
This is a classic "Chip and Brenda" moment that will surely go down in history books. This, people, is why you can invent some chachka (translated: trinket) that is absolutely useless and sell it at an extraordinary price - knowing that idiots will buy it. Here's a good example:

(Read the following in Billy Mayes form...if you don't know who he is, check out this YouTube video - it'll clear up any confusion):



Side note: I honestly believe that if Billy tells some kind of schmegegge (trans: nonsense/hot air/baloney) on TV, it must work..and it WILL sell. He's genius....OH BILLY!)

Ok, so back to the topic at hand. Imagine Billy selling you the following product:

"I have the deal of a century! Its an authentic copper bust of the 16th President for the low introductory price of $99.99 - but call now! Supplies are limited!"

Four to six (4-6) weeks later, you receive your product. To your dismay, it actually is a copper bust of Abraham Lincoln, that you paid $99.99 for, yet you over paid by $99.98.

Why? Because you received a penny in the mail.

And before you say, "impossible, they can't do that..." you're wrong. They can. It's technically not false advertising. However, it IS why things on infomercials sell. Idiots buy the stuff. It look rad, and exciting and fabulous and gives the impression that this one little product will solve absolutely everything and anything in your daily life.

Guess again.

If you're dumb enough to buy shit on infomercials...join the Chip and Brenda Club. We are officially two of the newest members of the "Putz" club.

THE STORY
Saturday morning, Chip and I lay in bed watching the news and mustering the energy to get up and start our day. This is when we see Chef Tony come onto our screen, promising us that he's got the perfect product to save us from our storage needs.

Chef Tony tells us that his product will stop us from throwing out chazerei (trans: Food that is awful, junk or garbage) because it's gone bad/spoiled after not eating it fast enough. He promises that his product will solve all of our needs, cut storage and the need to purchase tupperware ever again.

"Wow!" I say, exclaiming to Chip that this is obviously a ridiculous item I must have, and that he should join with me in agreeing to purchase these ploimdik (trans: amazing/wondrous) gadgets.

What is it, you ask?
After all, Chef Tony is a maven (trans: an expert/connoisseur) - so why would he lie to us? We just wants our food to stay fresh! So, with a little nudge (trans: badgering), I was able to convice the Lobster to order some. I mean, it's buy one get one free...who could pass that up for only $9.99? Plus, if we acted now, we'd get the "Jumbo" lid for free! W

Who doesn't need a JUMBO lid? Seriously, where has this been all my life?

So, my darling Chip hands me his phone and dials the number. Who answers?? CHEF TONY!! WOW! I couldn't believe it. Funny, Chef Tony doesn't sound like he does on the commercial - he sounds a little pre-recorded - but wow! He actually cares enough about the consumers to answer the phone when we call. NEAT!

Chef Tony reminds us of the amazingness of these little gizmos:

"The lids (Lidz) are round disks that consist of a (space age!) polymer encircled by a plastic rim. The lids force the air out to preserve the freshness of the food. To remove the Lidz, all you have to do is pull up on the "handle" of the plastic rim. The Smart Lidz can also be used in the microwave, freezer, and are dishwasher safe! All this for the low cost of 9.99! And, if you act now - we'll double your order for free!"

So, after his little spiel (trans: A lengthy or extravagant speech or argument usually intended to persuade) - he transfers us to Wendy, who will help us with the order. Thanks, Tony! Now...on to Wendy!

Side note: why would Tony bother trying to sell us on the product? Aren't we calling for a reason? We already are interested, just let us order!

So, Wendy comes on the phone. Maybe Wendy is related to Chef Tony, because she also sounds oddly like a voice recording. Wendy asks us how many we want to purchase. We enter "1" on the keypad. She continues, saying, that they're offering the buy 1 get 1 only during this phone call. WOW! Just for US? What makes us so special?

So, of course...we accept.

Wendy asks us for our name, mailing address and credit card number so she can process the order. Great! We're almost done!

Wendy: "Shipping is a mere 7.95 per set, which takes 4-6 weeks to arrive. However, we have expedited shipping, and you will receive your Smart Lidz in 7-10 days, for one low price. Would you like to get express shipping for your smart lidz?"

Us: "Nope."

Oh....hang on....Wendy has something to add.

She says, "Well, if you want...we can add more to the order. You'll use them for everything! Most people buy 2 or three sets! You should too!"

We respectfully decline by saying "no."

Uh oh. Chef Tony interrupts, saying 'I understand your hesitation in not ordering more. But...it truly is a miracle worker. These things are amazing (blah blah blah). So, lets add some more to your order. Would you like to add another set?"

"NO."

The best way to convey the rest of this phone call would be to script it (as well as I can due to memory loss and sheer terror of this call):
Chef Tony: "I understand your hesitation....." (Continues for another minute trying to upsell.)
Us: "NO"
Wendy: "Your decline has been noted. However, Chef Tony would also like to add another Jumbo Lid to your set...all you have to do is pay an extra $7.95 for S/H. Would you like to add an extra Jumbo Lid?"
Us: "NO."
Wendy: "I understand your hesitation" (what? it's like a broken record here...) "However...this is a one-time deal only. Why don't you go ahead and order them. Would you like me to add the extra Jumbo lid to your order now?"
Us: "NO"
Chef Tony: "I understand your hesitation" (CHIP AND BRENDA LAUGHING). "However, my jumbo lids are made from space-age polymers that make sure they stick to any surface! You'll be happy to have them! Would you like to add more to your order?"
Us: NO!!
Wendy: "We have noted your decline on your order. However (insert laughter here from Chip and Brenda) we have the family pack available. Use it for camping, storage, (blah blah blah). You get 2 small, 2 medium, 2 large and 1 jumbo. How about I add the family pack to your order?"
Us: "NO!!" (didn't we just get two sets for the price of one? isn't that what the family pack IS? WTF??)
Wendy: "I understand your hesitation..." (OH MY GOD. SHOOT ME. BRENDA FRANTICALLY STARTS TRYING TO HIT THE "zero" BUTTON TO GET TO AN OPERATOR. NOTHING HAPPENS. WE'RE SCREWED.)
US: "NO!!!"
Wendy: Your decline has been noted. Chef Tony also is extending the offer (OH NO....) for his knife - which cuts, slices, chops and dices! All in one, with a no-slip handle! (Uhh, isn't that what most knives do??) Would you like me to add Chef Tony's amazing knife to your order today?"
US: "NO!!!!!!!!"
Wendy: "Are you sure you don't want to add this item? It's a one time deal!"
Us: "Yes! I mean...No! I mean...shit....hit the button that means 'no.'"
Wendy: "Your decline has been noted. However, we have an exclusive offer with our marketing agency. For only $120 you can get exclusive deals on various computer programs - buy whatever you need for half the cost of retail through this amazing membership program! Your card will be charged only once, and will come from a third-party. Would you like to take advantage of this deal?"
Us: "NOOOO!!!!!!!"
(I think our neighbors were concerned that we kept screaming "no" every 2 minutes.)

Wendy tried one more time to sell us some shit. We said no, and FINALLY - our order had been placed. Tony returned and thanked us for our order. You're fucking welcome, Tony. I could strangle you.

I hung up the phone. The call time was nearly 20 minutes.

Today, I checked out these things. Of course, we threw caution to the wind and went ahead and ordered via phone. Obviously - it's a mistake. Even more so - its a mistake to order these things. Nearly 99% of reviews I've seen say they don't work.

C'est La vie....You win some, you lose some.

At least we won some intelligence not to ever EVER order this crap again. Take heed, my friends. Nothing ordering is worth a 20 minute phone call with a robot where you have no way out.

XO
LobsterPea.